


God Only Knows

by subcutaneous7



Category: Grace and Frankie (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-21
Updated: 2019-01-21
Packaged: 2019-10-14 00:54:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17498561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/subcutaneous7/pseuds/subcutaneous7
Summary: Grace needs Frankie. Frankie needs Grace. But Grace has made a terrible mistake, and now it's time to fix things. Continuation of the end of S5. Femslash.





	God Only Knows

_"I don't want to live a small life. Open your eyes_  
_open your hands. I have just come_  
_from the berry fields, the sun_

 _kissing me with its golden mouth all the way_  
_(open your hands) and the wind winged clouds_  
_following along thinking perhaps I might_

 _feed them, but no I carry these heart-shapes_  
_only to you. Look how many how small_  
_but so sweet and maybe the last gift_

 _I will ever bring to anyone in this_  
_world of hope and risk, so do._  
_Look at me. Open your life, open your hands."_

_\- Mary Oliver_

 

“Oh god,” Frankie breathed, lips tight against her teeth as she stared at the ocean, shoulders slumped, knees still buried in the sand.

“Frankie,” Grace huffed as she fell next to her. “I’m so sorry. I don’t...I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“You were thinking you’re in love with your boyfriend so you might as well get married and go live with him,” Frankie shrugged. She sounded so empty and small. “What’s stopping you?”

“I don’t want to live with him,” Grace shook her head adamantly, frantically. “I want to live with you.”  
  
“Why?” Frankie continued staring at the waves. “Because you think I can’t handle living by myself? I don’t need you to be my caregiver. Not if it means holding you back from the life you really…”

“ _This_ is the life I want!” Grace reached for her hand, scooping it into her lap, filling the space between her thighs with sand and seaweed. She squeezed Frankie’s fingers, marveling for the thousandth time at how right it felt to hold them, how ecstatic and terrified. “This, right here.”

“How?” Frankie looked down at their hands, then back at the horizon. “How can you possibly say that and do what you just did?”

“I...I don’t know,” Grace swallowed, holding onto Frankie’s digits for dear life, determined to keep them for as long as she’d let her. “I just know I made a mistake. I can’t be with Nick. Not if it means losing you.”

“You won’t lose me,” Frankie insisted, void of any real oomph behind her words. “I’ll be right here. I mean, I might be at the ashram sometimes. Or in Maui. Or Talum. I can go places too.”

“But I don’t want you to go places! Not without me. You were right. Bad stuff happens when we split up.”

“So marrying Nick on a whim was a bad idea then?”

“You think?!” Grace scoffed. “I can’t believe this.”

“I can. He’s been dying to steal you away so he can have you all to himself. He got you to go to the Maldives.”

“Yeah, but that was...I was angry and I needed to cool off. It was good for me, to get away. But then I went and fucked it all up again when I came back, because that’s what I do. Because...”

Grace trailed off. She looked down at Frankie’s hand, practically purple from the force of her own grip on it. She eased up slightly, just enough to make sure she wasn’t hurting her. She didn’t want to hurt her. She didn’t want to hurt anyone, but most of all her. The way Frankie’s skin molded against her bones, loose and smooth to the touch, held Grace’s attention, making her lose all track of time and space, of what she’d done and what she knew she needed to do.

“What?”

“Oh Frankie, this really might kill me,” Grace breathed, voice shaky as the tears threatened to sweep her away with the shells along the shoreline.

“Well don’t die. Please. Not yet. I need to see how this all turns out.”

“You’re telling me,” Grace rolled her eyes.

“Okay. First things first,” Frankie bravely looked at her then, finally. Grace could see how close she was to crying too, that she was putting up a very flimsy front at being strong. “What are you going to do about Nick?”

“I’m going to tell him...tell him I can’t live with him. And I can’t be married. I thought I loved him, and maybe part of me still does but...it was all a mistake. I know he’ll be devastated, but I can’t live like this. I can’t keep lying to myself about what really makes me happy.”

“No,” Frankie chewed her lip. “It never works out. Been there, done that.”

“You mean with Jacob?”

“Yes. And others, more recently, as you may recall,” Frankie noted, even though Grace did not in any way need the reminder. “But Grace...what does it mean, you breaking up with Nick because you want to live here with me for the rest of our lives?”

“That?” Grace’s mouth went dry. “That I don’t know yet. I just know it’s what I want. I do need you, clearly, I just…”

“What?”

She wanted to say the words. She’d spent too much time telling herself this was nothing, that it was all in her very confused head, that there was nothing to say. Ever since they left the ashram she’d been running from it, knowing if she didn’t answer Nick’s text and get back in bed with him and go to the Maldives and marry him the second he asked, she’d end up saying them. That, or she’d be forced to watch Frankie from afar the rest of her life, knowing she’d missed her last chance at finally being honest and authentic.

She looked up into Frankie’s big blue eyes, so full of patience and understanding, even now. It was right there on the tip of her tongue. All she had to do was jump.

“I think you know what,” Grace said instead.

“Maybe. But I’m gonna need to hear you say it,” Frankie’s voice was very low and serious. This was not a joke. “What is it about living here with me that works, and what makes it so you and Nick won’t work?”

“Because…” Grace shook. She could feel her eyelids going red, burning from the tears drowning her lids as she struggled to speak, struggled to breathe. “Because I feel things, when I’m with you...for you...that I don’t feel when I’m with him. I feel more like my true self. The self I’ve been lying about ever since...well, way before Robert. But it’s...it’s just…”

She swallowed hard, feeling like her mouth was full of sand, her heart beating so fast, the sun oppressively pounding against the top of her head making her feel like she was kneeling directly in front of it, waiting for it to explode.

“What?” Frankie asked again gently. “Say it.”

“I can’t,” Grace cried. “It’s too scary.”  
  
“Okay,” Frankie let go of her hand. Grace’s mouth fell open, panicked, watching as Frankie stood. “Well you’re gonna have to figure some of this out then before we talk any further, because I’m about this close to jumping into the ocean and not resurfacing. Unless a whale catches me, which is definitely possible. I had a premonition once.”

“Frankie, stop!” Grace struggled until she was upright, shuffling after Frankie, who had only walked a few feet away, but that was already too far. “What do you want me to do? I’m trying! I’m terrified, I...”  
  
“No shit!” Frankie whipped around. “You think I’m not? You just told me my worst fucking nightmare had come true. I don’t want to lose you.”  
  
“You’re not! Frankie, I promise you you’re not. I’ll make this right. I’ll do whatever it takes, and then I’ll hopefully be able to articulate whatever it is you need to hear me say.”

“How do I know you won’t choose him?” Frankie looked like she was ready to break in half, or run. Grace felt the words rising again, making her feel like she was about to throw up. “How do I know the second you leave and go talk to him he won’t convince you all over again and I’ll end up alone. How do I know I won’t end up hurt?”

“Because,” Grace stepped forward, grabbing Frankie’s shoulders, careful not to yell too much, or hold her too tight. “Babe was right.”

“Babe?” Frankie didn’t flinch. “You talked to Babe?”

“Yes,” Grace nodded, taking another step closer, feeling like she was in free fall. “At the ashram, and she told me...she said the real reason I was so indecisive, the real reason I couldn’t let go and found myself drinking toilet gin in the middle of the woods...is because I love you, Frankie. I’ve been in love with you this whole time.”

“Yeah right,” Frankie blinked, smiling a little as she laughed through her own tears. “I paid her to say that.”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean it’s not true,” Grace swallowed. “I think I needed to hear someone else say it, even in my own mind, for me to realize just how true it was.”

“So,” Frankie shut her eyes, then opened them again, shifting from foot to foot. “Wait a minute, are you really saying…”

“I love you,” Grace sniffed. “I don’t know how it happened, not exactly. Some of it, sure, but anyway. There it is.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?” Grace gaped. “Frankie I just said I love you.”

“I know,” Frankie blinked again. “We always say I love you. I love you too.”

“We do not always say it,” Grace spat, eyes filled with fire, only it wasn’t unkind. “ _You_ always say it. I’ve been too chickenshit to say it until now.”

“So...when you say it, you mean...you really…”

“Yes. Yes, I’m saying that! Exactly that. I love you! God, it feels so good to finally say it. I love you, Frankie Bergstein. I love the way you get up in the morning full of ideas to make my life way more complicated and way less boring. I love the way you sing and dance in our kitchen, or the grocery store, or anywhere we go together. I love the way you’re always thinking of me. I love the way you smile, and the way you wear your hair and how there’s always paint in it, even now. And your eyes. And pretty much every ridiculous, infuriating, beautiful thing about you. I love you. So very much. I really, really do.”

“Grace,” Frankie trembled, stepping backwards, even as she let Grace keep her hands tightly on her shoulders. “Are you sure? Because I don’t know if...I don’t know if I can take it if...I mean I really, really need you to be sure, because if you’re not I don’t know what I’ll…”

Grace pulled her in then, kissing her on the mouth, and the entire beach felt like it had lost its sand. The ocean could have swallowed them whole. A whale could have come out of nowhere and pulled them down into the sea and Grace could have died happy knowing she’d at least, finally, kissed Frankie, finally done the one thing she’d been dying to do for way longer than she could admit. Frankie’s lips were so full and warm, and Grace let her own lips sink into them, just for a few seconds, carefully but steadily moving ever so softly, before promptly pulling away.

“Whoa,” Frankie wobbled, eyes still closed. “Oh my god.”

“Are you okay?” Grace asked, breathless. “I’m sorry, was it? Oh god, was it too much? I should have…”

“No, no, it wasn’t...wasn’t too much,” Frankie touched her own lips. “I just...I can’t believe you just kissed me.”

“Me either,” Grace squeaked, letting go of Frankie momentarily, giving her space. “Did you like it? I mean, are you sure it was…”

“Honey, it was,” Frankie sighed, opening her eyes as she took one more tiny step back, and Grace’s heart dove into the pit of her stomach, ready to part ways with the rest of her. “But I’m gonna need you to talk to Nick first. Because I feel a tidal wave of things coming, things I’ve needed to say too, and…Jesus, I can’t be kissing someone who’s married. There’s been way too much of that in this tiny, shockingly queer circle of ours already. I can’t have that kind of kharmic scarring on my soul anymore. I just can’t.”

“Okay,” Grace nodded. “I get that. I’m sorry, I…”

“No, don’t apologize,” Frankie told her. “Just go talk to him now. And then come right back.”

“Right,” Grace blinked. “Okay, yes. I’ll do that. And I’ll come right back.”

“Okay good,” Frankie swallowed, swaying. “But maybe…maybe just in case…”

Frankie kissed her back, and Grace threw her arms around Frankie’s neck, letting the wind blow beneath her sweater and carry it up her body. Frankie’s hands were on her cheeks, and Grace felt her knees begin to go weak at the swipe of Frankie’s tongue against her lower lip. It made her shiver, letting out a sound even bolder than the one she’d made at Del Taco the first time. It was soft and heavy, and it made her lips and tongue search Frankie’s for more, taking all she was willing to give. Frankie let out her own moan, hands traveling down to Grace’s shoulders, pushing against them again, just enough so they could breathe.

“I love you too,” Frankie panted. “It’s confusing as hell, and you drive me fucking crazy, but it’s a good crazy. I want to be crazy with you.”

“I want to be crazy with you too,” Grace smiled as she sniffed. “I’m sorry. I know I’ve made things harder than they should be. I’ve just never felt like this before.”

“Really?” Frankie’s eyebrow quirked. “Not even with the girl you said you kissed in college?”

“No,” Grace rolled her eyes. “Not even with her. That was nothing compared to this. This is real. Too real, it’s…”

“You don’t have to tell me everything right now. We have time. Go. And then please come back and kiss me like that again.”

“I will,” Grace promised, squeezing her hand. “I love you.”

“I know,” Frankie nodded as she sniffed, bouncing a little. “I love you. And I’ll be right here. Well, not right here, but in our house.”

“You’d better be.”

“Go,” Frankie squeezed again, then pushed her away.

“Okay, I’m going. Be back soon.”

Frankie nodded, and Grace turned and sprinted back up the beach to the house, running on pure adrenaline. She was already dreading the conversation with Nick, but she knew it would all be okay. Because she’d kissed Frankie. They’d both said the words. She hadn’t missed her chance, and she knew now more than ever she’d always be right there waiting when she got back.

**Author's Note:**

> Here's a little post-S5 fix-it fic I basically vomited out yesterday, because I'm still shaking from that ending. I hope and pray Season 6 will give us something like this. We know our ladies belong together. They know it too. I'm happy with this as a ficlet, but I may add more later. Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoy (:


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